The Middle

the story behind the painting, trois anneaux.
written on march 10, 2011

This is a story of process. It is a story of discovery. A story about taking a chance…risking. Having the courage to explore my heart and even the unknown. Something that unfolded along the way. An opportunity to be with God in a way I haven’t been in some time. It was healing. And it’s about something very real.

About a month ago I moved. It has allowed my soul to come alive a little more. It has given me space to process. Much needed space. One of the first things I did when I moved in=I painted my room white. Most of my bedroom stuff is white and red. The green walls meant that I would have a Christmas room—and the decorator in me couldn’t do that. So…walls went white. It felt right. Cleansing. New. Fresh.

I was feeling like I was supposed to do my own art for this room instead of hanging the same old framed prints that I have always used. God wanted me to create. So I decided to take a chance and explore—painting, myself, my internal world, what God had to say to me—how I would listen. I learned a lot.

First off, painting a canvas is a process. You probably won’t finish it the first night you start it just because you want to get something done and get it up on your wall. Nope. It takes time. I learned that the night I was painting the white canvases red.

What is going on in me right now? That’s what I needed to spend some time with. Sorting out my heart. Being with God. So I started Saturday night art dates. Me and God. And this painting is the result.

OK. So let’s break it down.

Three. Yes. The design would need to have three separate canvases that would all be hung in a row next to each other. This was clear. Why? Because three is such a part of me. It is deeply important to me. And deeply important to God. I just knew it had to be three. The more I got into the project I realized more. To summarize quickly: the Trinitarian relationship, the idea of an integrated whole person with a grounded soul, and of course the desire inside of me to one day “be three” and be united with a man in a committed relationship. Why did these things come up for me now? Maybe God wanted to remind me of who I am. Maybe he wanted me to remember my desires. Or perhaps this was the door for Him to start taking me somewhere…and now I’ve entered that door. Why is the Trinitarian relationship important here? Maybe because it has to do with “remaining in” and “abiding in.” Maybe it has to do with being connected—what every human soul longs for. It’s how God created us. It is within us. It is love in action. In a messed up world that is broken and ugly and falling apart—in a heart that can’t be healed or perfected or full without Him—this love can make it whole—and make it beautiful. Also—I am a deeply relational person—again—He created me…makes sense. He’s a relational God. And He uses the Trinity to illustrate that bond. He made us to mirror that image. It’s an image of right relationship—maybe somewhere deep inside me I need to know that it is possible since I’ve seen so many situations of “not right relationship.” I think there is a lot of hope in the Trinity for me. Father. Son. Holy Spirit. They all mean different things to me. They all communicate something distinct to me. At the same time they are united. It is possible. Differences united. Love exemplified. Three interconnected.

Red. This may be the most moving part of this painting experience for me. I didn’t know when I started what this would even look like. I was thinking…I’ll just make something cool…maybe a little abstract…splash some paint on…and I’ll have something to hang on the wall kinda project. Not so. Should’ve expected that. OK. So the first night I went out to our patio with a can of red paint. And three white canvases. I sat there looking up at the sky…it was quiet. Do I cover these things totally? What will that look like on my white walls? Do I splatter them with red drops? So I just started in. I took the brush and drenched it in red paint…lifted the brush above the white canvas….and splattered it with scarlet red drops. And honestly, it was an intense moment for me. I was stopped in my tracks. Red drops on white as snow canvas. Tears slowly fell down my cheeks. The big huge kinda tears that sit in your eyes for awhile because you are trying to hold them back—and then they just fall. Fast. So I sat on the patio for awhile thinking about this all. I don’t know how many times I’ve thought about the Crucifixion-but there it was right in front of my eyes on my canvas. My thoughts at that moment: OK…so I’m told that I’m made white as snow, because of His Sacrifice for me. I think I know what that means…as far as sin goes. But do I really? So I thought about white as snow for awhile—which brought up lots of other thoughts—which just brought my heart into a time of thankfulness to God. And a true, deeper realization of the actual sacrifice that has been made. It was that moment that I knew that all three white canvases needed to be covered fully in red paint. No doubt. Clarity. Surprise, surprise—it took three coats…on three different days.

Another reason for the red. It’s my favorite color. I’m drawn to it. I’ve known why for awhile now. It symbolizes passion. It symbolizes being truly alive. I think in many ways—it is what God is in my deepest parts—red. Maybe that sounds funny. But I don’t think it is. I’ve felt him there. And it’s fiery. And warm. And real.

Another reason for the red. It’s the color of anger. As I was painting the three coats this surfaced in me. I’ve known since my three week solitude retreat that it’s in me. In so many ways, I’ve reclaimed what has needed to be reclaimed. I’ve learned to be angry in healthy ways. But there were moments when I was painting that I was just plain pissed off. Wanting to punch a wall. Tell someone off. Etc. And I processed this with God. What the heck? Why is this coming up again? The answer: This is good for you. Let it surface. Feel it. Let it come out. It is ok to be angry. Especially after some of the events of the past four months of your life. Let it come out. Let it be. Let me take it from you. Some anger is righteous. It’s ok. So I felt it. And it got me to thinking, “I wonder if everyone has a deep place of anger in them—maybe they feel it…maybe they don’t…maybe they are afraid…or maybe they don’t know how”….and then I thought to myself…”yep, I bet everyone does.” In that moment I wondered if everyone has had an intense angry spot since original sin. A place that is just internally ready to kick some butt. A place that knows something is not right. A place that wants victory. I figured these were probably some pretty good thoughts. Feeling strong emotion is healthy. For different reasons, it has been held back in the last months—but now it is free. Released.

The last reason for red (at least that I know for now)=it is a color that symbolizes Boldness, Strength, and Endurance. In so many ways this is where God has me. It is what he’d doing in me. He is revealing that I am a survivor. I have a persevering soul. I know my life. And I know even though at times I have felt alone…I haven’t been. I know this now more than ever. The more I know myself—the more freedom comes. Becoming stronger in Christ through my weaknesses—aware of who I am—this has brought true confidence. And for this I am forever thankful.

Circles.
This is a cool feature on this painting. The night before I was going to paint on the canvas, I had a very clear dream. I could see in it…but I was also feeling. I felt surrounded by circles. Encircled you could say. It was weird. I could also see different kinds of rings. When I woke up I knew I was going to paint on three canvases—so I knew. Three circles. Of course, this made total sense to me. Huge symbolism here. To me circles=wholeness, completion, continuity, a core, the center, commitment, rings, abiding, stability, surrounded. A path that brings you back. The places on/in our body that God created to be filled and experience pleasure…unity, centering, completion, infinite. Held together. So…I woke up knowing—three circles…somehow…would be on this canvas. I knew this already had meaning to me. Once again—it connected to the Trinity…and to an integrated person. It was becoming symbolic. Three circles also remind me of me, God, and hopefully someday a husband. So that is most definitely something else that this painting communicates and portrays. That hope. That desire.

Flesh/Black/Mixed. The colors on the red are also important details. The outside circles are flesh colored and the middle circle is black. I guess you could say that the flesh symbolizes our flesh as humans—but notice these two circles are connected together within the black circle. Why black? I had to think about that. Black is an interesting color. I love it. Really. It is sleek. It is bold. It is classy. It reminds me of night. It’s a little bit sexy just like red. Black also reminds of dark places—of some of the hardest, loneliest, most challenging deep places of my journey. It was in these places that I met God in places that I never knew he existed…until I went there. And will never be the same. The dark places are where stuff starts to happen. I believe it. I have written papers at Talbot about darkness and light in the Bible—so it doesn’t surprise me that I’m not afraid to use black…and I like it. I’m not afraid of the dark anymore. I believe that on earth, in the world, even though we know God—there is a darkness among us—and we are blinded people….this is the work of sanctification---bringing us closer to God in the darkness---making us more like Christ---letting go of ourselves---and thus, becoming more representative and living out the trueness of the light that we claim in us. ☺ Then…even more…the colors mix when the three circles all interconnect. Black and flesh color mixed. Perhaps this shows that in the deepest place of a human soul—at the very bottom—at the end of our flesh—there He is…waiting. Wanting to be the center…bolder than the flesh—mixed in…for now. It was clear that there would be a mix in the center since I started the painting.


Center/Core. Another element of the painting that truly sticks out to me. I think this was something that God wanted to remind me of as I created this piece. That he has done an amazing work inside of me over the past years. And I know HE is at my core. He IS my center. As a therapist once stated on my three week solitude retreat-- He’s in my middle. And He is. He said it to me as I lay on a futon tears flowing out of my eyes—because God had led me into some of the deepest places of pain in my life—all to take it from me and set me on solid ground again and give me stability that I’d never know before that day. My middle. Totally. It seems so simple to say it and write it. But man it sure did take me a long time to get to the place of experiencing it for real. A grounding happened that day in my life. It had to do with the dark. And it’s allowed me to experience God in a really different way since that night. It is real. I am proof. Looking at the painting and seeing where all the circles converge is powerful to me. It is a reminder of what is holding me together. It’s a sign that amidst all of the everyday outer and inner chaos—there is a place of order within me.

Connected/Union. Touching and interwoven but with space. Intertwining.
This is an interesting perspective of this painting. I knew when I started that this would not be your normal Trinity three circles. It would look different. Why? Because I’m just like that. I like different. I like outside of the box. I like adventure. I like daring. I like new concepts. So the three circles do not look like the normal Trinity circles. It even appears, because of the way that the canvases are hung, and the circles are drawn and painted...that they are not touching. But I kind of did that on purpose. I wanted the effect of connection and union beyond what the eye can see. I wanted to communicate a “knowing” or even to communicate the question to people about connecting. When I look at it, I know that they are connected. And they are drawn proportionately. The full line is off of the media though. It is in the imagination. It is deeply known. The circles ARE connected. They are interwoven. They are united. There is space—with purpose. That is up for each person to interpret. Sometimes people need space to figure out this whole union thing…it’s part of our journeys. And then one day it’s just there…and you get it. Union is something, if I’m honest, that I really do yearn for. It’s been a source of pain at times over the years to not have it with a man yet and to watch many of my friends experience it. But, for some reason God has chosen to do different things with me. And, has given me unique experiences of closeness with Him…first. This has grown me and has made me into a different kind of woman than I ever dreamed I’d be. Now union means something more to me. So sacred. With much behind it. And, I hold the dream close to my heart---when the right companion comes along. It’s going to be freakin’ awesome. Seriously! The wait has been well worth it. The wait has actually been a gift. Now, I’m ready.

Beauty. Imperfection. Desire. Deep Yearning.
Through the wait. Through the pain. Through different life experiences. I have found myself. I have found God. I have grown to understand my heart. My own unique beauty. My imperfection. My deep yearnings. And in some way—that is somehow supposed to shine through these circles. I don’t exactly fully see it yet…but I know it’s coming. Something is coming. I kinda sense it. I’m waiting for it to be revealed. I know the pieces of this painting. I know some of the significance—but I still feel like more is to be revealed. And so I live into it…

French Name: Trois Anneaux.
The name. Names are super important to me. So I knew I needed to name it. I wanted to name it using the French language. It’s been a dream of mine to get to France and just take it all in. I’ve lived in Europe—so it’s not the whole gotta travel Europe thing. I honestly think it’s a “I want to experience the romance of Paris, vineyards, and relaxed culture” kind of thing. Which is alright. I think. Someday soon I will go. God knows this about my heart. So, I asked some of my colleagues at work to help me name it. Two guys who have lived in France and knew French. I told them the concept, what I was going for—the deeper meaning behind what I was doing and they came up with the name—without even seeing the painting. And I loved it immediately. Trois Anneaux. It is translated “three rings.” Love it! A lot! If you think about it…the word anneaux has a root in it that means “year”—which makes sense if you think about a ring in regards to astronomy. I also listened to Claude deBussy while I was painting. He’s a French composer. I especially like his, Clair de lune…which means moonlight.

The words.
It was interesting…as I was nearing the end of the actual painting part—I saw three words on the painting….and knew that it needed something more. It was obvious that SOUL would go in the middle part. So I started with mod podging that on. And I liked it. It looked lonely by itself. So I sat an pondered my life a little…and it became very clear…with what I know about how God designed us—and from things that have been revealed a long my journey…that the mind, body, and soul are all connected….and how we experience God…and even each other. It’s how He makes himself known to us in deep ways. So those words were added.

It feels so good to have done my first painting. I feel very alive. There is most definitely some kind of important process taking place right now inside of me. I loved it. It means something. I close with these thoughts that I think as I gaze upon the new painting:

Something beyond me is in me. Something in me made this. And now it’s hanging on my wall. And I get to be reminded of this story every time I see it.