I'm thankful for friends who helped me unpack what is going on. A friend sent me some Scripture on Monday morning to encourage me---but it just opened up my heart to many questions that are still floating around. It took me to a vulnerable place. She sent me this: "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4)
For some reason it didn't sit right in my heart. It hurt instead. Tears came instantly. I asked a few people in the office to sit with me in this verse---and we had great conversation. I continued to wrestle with this and why it bothered me so much in the moment. And finally came to a point of once again laying down my desires and dreams at the feet of God. The desires need to align with Him--and I've always thought that they do---but maybe He is still asking me to look at that. I was honestly so frustrated....and disappointed...and even filled with fear as I looked at some of these desires.
There was a point in the past month when I felt very met by the Lord. He gave me a very beautiful image at a point when I was very overwhelmed with life. There was deep peace in that moment. The picture brings me emotion---the image can not be explained in words, it is bright, it is blurry, there aren't visible lines, there is lots of color, there is movement--it was a powerful moment. I'm going to try to paint it for Painting #5. Because I think it's significant for this season of my life.
I feel like I've entered into a new place. Pieces of it feel foreign. I feel different. It's almost like I'm getting to know myself again. It doesn't feel all put together. It feels a little bit wild. It is alive. It is very open. There is peace. There is something pushing me forward. But, there is definitely a piece of me that needs to engage and participate. Whatever is happening takes two.
I love surprises. I'm still trying to enter into unknown places. More and more I'm ok with vulernability, but it still freaks me out. There is a very controlled place in me (I think there is in all of us)---and this is the invitation. To enter into that image that God gave me....
I can't explain it. It just happened.
One of my friends reminded me that one of the themes in my journal this year is "to be woo'ed by God." She encouraged me to see this as part of that. This is His invitation to closeness. I have to go to Him in the vulnerable and hard places and sit with Him in the desires. I sometimes see the desires as unmet. I think He's trying to reveal to me how He meets them all. And how His plan of unfolding everything is more perfect that I could describe. Even as I write that it feels a little cliché---but I'm praying like crazy that He would reveal what He has in this all.
Amazing how in broken moments we feel some of our strongest emotion. When we are not put together. And for me, not feeling like I even know these new parts of me. He is inviting me into His presence---woo'ing me---into something forever and eternal and powerful---(in the midst of what the world isn't meeting)---without lines and very bright light.
Going there.
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